Still waiting

I didn't post this yesterday because it all got a little bit intense and I thought maybe I should stop a second before sharing how I was feeling, but this is me being honest. If you are really on this journey with me then we've all got to realise its going to be a tough one with ups and downs. Staying positive all the time is just not realistic. I hit a real low yesterday, they told me I would, its because of the drugs

Jo the oncologist called, she says she will call me again on Tuesday with my results, she can tell me over the phone or we can all travel to London again to do it face to face. I can't stand the thought of travelling back to London but I know its got to be done face to face really.

I'm so scared that they are going to say there is nothing they can do, or that they still don't really know what they are dealing with. I can cope if they give me a plan but the not knowing is excruciating. I feel so guilty too, that my family have to suffer this pain, its just so unfair.

I'm pulling the shutters down now, locking it away because nothing is changing those pathology results, all I can do is pray to God that He may give me the strength to get through this for my little boy. Oh how I want to live for my boy, to watch him grow into a man, I would give anything.

My focus right now is to have a good Christmas with my family, everything else gets forgotten, it does not exist in my world, shutters down, complete mental block. It is the only way I can cope with the trauma of it all. I'm going to keep on keeping on because I have no other choice.

I've had a wonderful evening, I've eaten well and I am so excited for Christmas with my family tomorrow. Here's hoping Santa brings me a new brain huh?!

Merry Christmas to you all. xxx