Thursday 31 December 2015

2016 A New Year, A New Start

How is it possible that today is the last day of 2015?

Today has been a good day, I feel much less confused, we ventured into Aldershot town centre, I bought a phone case for my fancy pants new phone much to Filo's disgruntle! HA! I was put on this earth to send him grey!

We also met a child minder for Massimo as long term we need to get him playing with other kids being normal and Filo needs to get back to work. Her name is Michelle end she is a friend of Lara's. She is so passionate about what she does and I just know Massimo will love it with her

Tonight we are having a curry takeaway which I am rather excited about as we haven't had a good curry in a long while

I'm taking this opportunity to wish all my family and friends a very Happy New Year, To those who want to quit drinking or smoking I applaud you and encourage you. Do it while you can and with a smile on your face, because you are alive and you can

Thanks again for all your kind words of support 2016 really will be better because the only way is up now. Filo said so and that man is ALWAYS right! he did marry me after all :-)

Keep safe tonight people and have fun.

Lots of love to all my family and friends

Sisters, mum, best friend I love you from the bottom of my soul - no words will ever express how much so trying right now seems futile but you get why I'm trying because I bloody love you!!!

And I think the word you're looking for is... Anyway! been watching old friends episodes :-)

I'll stop rambling now
Ciao for now



Wednesday 30 December 2015

It officially has a name, its called a Glioblastoma

We have an official diagnosis and we know how to treat it!!

They confirmed today that they actually got 95% of the bastard out first time round not just 85% as initially thought, that's bloody good news!

Treatment involves Radio and Chemotherapy starting on Tuesday but I can have this at Guildford so don't have to travel all the way back to London.

Today I had the most amazing full body massage courtesy of Nicky Jefferies, the woman is a genius, I literally cannot say enough words of thanks, I feel so relaxed and calm right now I'm in heaven . Looking forward to a peaceful nights sleep tonight now that we know what we are dealing with I can cope. I can start to focus on getting fixed.

Its going to be a tough road ahead, but slowly, slowly we'll get there

We know what it is and we have plan in place, this was what I was waiting for and now I have it we can crack right on

I feel confident right now that everything is going to be ok

Sunday 27 December 2015

Today I shopped!

My poor husbands wallet took a battering today but I had so much fun! I got the latest Samsung phone, 4 new hats to keep the bald spot warm, I literally have no idea if they look any good as I  could barely see in the mirror when I tried them on! lots of new underwear, make up, wash stuff.

It was a lot of fun but very strange too, I feel like a total retard at times, I get so confused at times, like total mind blocks where I can't make sense of anything at all, its really disconcerting. It's one reason I feel the urge to write this blog just so I can make sense of everything that has happened today, to get it straight in my head.

The retard thing, I feel like everyone is looking at  me wondering what the hell is wrong with her but Filo tells me you can't tell I'm sick, other than maybe I'm walking a little slower, but I feel like I'm wearing a sign around my neck that says I've got a brain tumour, or at least I feel like I should explain why I'm like this, just so people don't think I'm weird.

But what does it matter if they do? Why do I care? Hmmmm.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am in control, especially while I am at home with my boys. Being stuck in hospital I felt helpless but at home, I choose when I eat, When I take the drugs, when I wash, when I see my friends.

Oh God everything is so confusing, I need to sleep now

I guess today has been a real challenge

Saturday 26 December 2015

Boxing Day Walk

Today I walked around Goldsworth Park lake with my family and friends. I haven't walked that far in a while but it felt really liberating to get out in the fresh air. Well I desperately need to burn off a few thousand million calories that's for sure! At least I know now that I can walk a fair distance without getting too tired.

We all went back to mums house after for yet another feast, the kids played and we had a lovely time.

Tomorrow we may brave the shops in Guildford, I quite fancy a spot of shopping! Hopefully its not too manic busy as I have been feeling quite confused at times things get a little overwhelming and I find myself just sat in a bit of a daze wondering what the hell is going on. But I guess that is quite normal after brain surgery.

I'm feeling ok, I love my family and friends very much and I am looking forward to spending more time with them over the next few days.

Friday 25 December 2015

I got my perfect Christmas Day.

And it was truly wonderful. To have all the family around, to see the kids playing together, I can't wait to see the photos as I think we got some good ones of the kids!

My mum made a real breakfast feast, I ate chocolate croissants and crumpets and even a bacon roll!

I have never felt so happy. And I really truly believe that everything is going to be ok.

There will be better days ahead, I'm sure of it. This isn't all for nothing, there is a bigger purpose behind it all, one that will just all of a sudden at once make sense. I'm convinced I'm going to run a marathon, Filo tells me you need mental strength but I've got bags full of mental strength now

I hope you have all had as much fun as I have today.

And the day is not even over, we are still celebrating with even more food with the Fabbri family later this afternoon! God I bloody love Christmas!

Happy Christmas  to you all once again, my heart is full of so much joy!

Thursday 24 December 2015

Still waiting

I didn't post this yesterday because it all got a little bit intense and I thought maybe I should stop a second before sharing how I was feeling, but this is me being honest. If you are really on this journey with me then we've all got to realise its going to be a tough one with ups and downs. Staying positive all the time is just not realistic. I hit a real low yesterday, they told me I would, its because of the drugs

Jo the oncologist called, she says she will call me again on Tuesday with my results, she can tell me over the phone or we can all travel to London again to do it face to face. I can't stand the thought of travelling back to London but I know its got to be done face to face really.

I'm so scared that they are going to say there is nothing they can do, or that they still don't really know what they are dealing with. I can cope if they give me a plan but the not knowing is excruciating. I feel so guilty too, that my family have to suffer this pain, its just so unfair.

I'm pulling the shutters down now, locking it away because nothing is changing those pathology results, all I can do is pray to God that He may give me the strength to get through this for my little boy. Oh how I want to live for my boy, to watch him grow into a man, I would give anything.

My focus right now is to have a good Christmas with my family, everything else gets forgotten, it does not exist in my world, shutters down, complete mental block. It is the only way I can cope with the trauma of it all. I'm going to keep on keeping on because I have no other choice.

I've had a wonderful evening, I've eaten well and I am so excited for Christmas with my family tomorrow. Here's hoping Santa brings me a new brain huh?!

Merry Christmas to you all. xxx

Wednesday 23 December 2015

A little piece of normal every day

Today, I dusted the television set, I vacuumed the lounge, I did a load of washing and hung everything up to dry. I washed and put away the dishes. I finally finished decorating the damn Christmas tree which has been driving me mad!

I watched Made In Chelsea on catch up and laughed out loud at how insignificant their problems are, it was wonderful, because it was normal and that is what I need more than anything right now.

My laptop is telling me its Christmas eve tomorrow, the days are just rolling into the next for me but Christmas will be wonderful because I will be with my family and there will be lots of food for me to eat too and its perfectly normal to eat lots at Christmas so we can blame that instead of the steroids!

I want to say thank you to everyone who has sent cards, gifts, flowers and kind words, it really gives me great strength. I wish you all a Happy Christmas, make sure you enjoy every moment for me!

Obligatory Christmas tree photo to follow later when it gets dark enough to put the lights on!

Tuesday 22 December 2015

Back to some sort of normality....

First day back home was wonderful, Massimo woke gone 7 I think and he was in a happy chappy mood which was great, we all went for breakfast, and I finally got to enjoy my chocolate Weetabix minis! *it's the little things in life!) We did normal things around the house and Massimo played with all his birthday toys, he has a little toy shop that has a cash machine, he loves money at the moment! just like his mum!

I managed to shower and wash my hair all by myself and I even dried and straightened my hair myself which is a task with the amount of staples I now have in my head! I'm sure there will be a follow up chucky doll picture to follow to freak you all out soon! Nicola is going to take the clips out for me when its time, I think they said Christmas eve, its really itchy so I'm looking forward to getting them out.

We made mince pies today and danced in my sisters kitchen and it was wonderful.

Today my mother in law Sandra came over from Italy to help with Massimo, she brought me yummy Piadina and my favourite Italian chocolates! It is so wonderful to have her here.

So the Doctors did say they think they got 85% of it out, that's quite a high percentage. I always knew they would have to follow this up with radio/chemo as necessary and I want them too to bloody get it all, they want to make it dormant, to slow it down and I bloody need them to because I've got things I need to do here first, people to annoy!! milking it for all its worth !!! free pens to claim I remember my dad saying before he died!!!

Anyway, thanks again to you all for your support, you may not realise just how much you are helping me through this. And with Jeni's Little Bakery, I intend to make our wedding cake when the time comes too I want to make that a reality!

Monday 21 December 2015

I made it home

I actually made it home!
I can't quite believe I'm sitting at home in bed waiting for Filo to bring me pizza!
Surreal or what? An hour ago I was flipping out at hospital as they had messed up my drugs which delayed my release but now I am home and it is all over. Everything is going to be ok now. I'm home with my boys, we are going to have a wonderful Christmas, tomorrow we will make mince pies and I will do normal things with my family and everything will settle back to reality and we can pretend it was all a bad dream.

We still don't really know what we are dealing with here, we still have to wait for test results, we know it is a cancerous tumour, we assume I will require radiotherapy or chemo or both but for now what matters is that I made it home to my boys and we can celebrate Christmas together. Whatever comes next we will deal with because we have no other choice but for now I am home.

Sunday 20 December 2015

Today is going to be another momumentous day I feel.

Doctor Stapleton should come to give me the results of the MRI scan and to confirm if he did in fact get the bulk of it and what this means for me longer term.

I've felt like a bit of a caged animal over the last few days, with no one really telling me anything, its been fairly excruciating. The steroids are making me angry, angry and hungry, it's a lot for my body to cope with. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday as the doctors where here one second to talk to me and then they were gone, the nurse asked me why I was crying, she said I had to be patient as the doctors were busy and had other people to see but all I've been is bloody patient, waiting to be told anything. Then she told me the Doctor had said I could go home, which was not true but something I'm desperate for, talk about pushing me to breaking point and back

I know I'll get home for Christmas, I know that is achievable, I know that everything is going to work out ok in the end but its just getting there that feels really tough.

God I'm so hungry, why am I so hungry??

I don't mean to blow my own trumpet but, I'm pretty damn inecredible

I don't mean to blow my own trumpet but, I'm pretty damn incredible, how the hell  I have I managed this?
I'm like a real life superwoman, there is literally nothing I cannot do, I am bullet proof, I am titanium

Once this is all over I've told filo we are getting remarried, we'll have a blessing in our local church, I want to tell the whole world how much I love my man. He's very excited about this of course, he loves being centre of attention! Yes we'll have a big party and I'll put my wedding dress back on. Everyone will be invited, it'll be a great day, the kids all playing in the garden that's where we have got to get to.

Saturday 19 December 2015

Massive Milestone Achieved today...

Massive milestone achieved today, standing on my own two feet, peeing by myself, showering with the help of my sisters feeling so much better already. I feel like I've really turned a corner today and that everything is going to be ok.

Got my family with me now, everything feels perfectly normal and happy.

Thank you to you all for your kind words of support, just knowing that you are thinking of me gives me great strength as silly as that might sound.

What a lucky girl I am to have such a wonderful family, my sisters are just out of this world. I love them with all my heart and soul.

I cannot wait to be home for Christmas to get home to my little boy, it won't be long now I'm going to make sure of it.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Friday 18 December 2015

Over the first hurdle

I did it... made it over the first hurdle. My Doctor said he thinks he got it all which is great and I've just had an MRI scan which will confirm this but regardless, his confidence is brilliant and I feel strong that everything is going to be alright.

The worst thing about being in hospital is the other patients, the idiot crazy man last night roaming the ward looking for spoons, referring to himself as a spoontometrist..  I kid you not. Verbally and physically attacking the staff, I swear if I had an ounce of energy last night I would have punched him in the face, he's lucky I'd just had brain surgery and was wired to my bed because the staff here are angels sent down from heaven and they don't deserve to be treated like that.

he obviously has his own brain injury to deal with but it's a really difficult situation to be faced with.

The pain is indescribable, I can feel where they have cut me in fact I suppose I would describe the pain as being hit with a sledge hammer which is a little ironic!

Wednesday 16 December 2015

The Results...

Right... we have a plan of sorts...

Tomorrow morning I go back up to St George's hospital, my doctor, Mr Stapleton, thinks the best thing to do is to cut out as much of it as they can and then follow this up with radiotherapy/chemo as necessary. So that is exactly what we are going to do. I'm glad I don't have to wait around, they want me in and out for Christmas and that works well for me, gives me something to focus on.

Surgery frightens me but I have no choice, and I'll be asleep anyway, won't know what's going on.

I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful family, I really couldn't get through this without them, my mum, my sisters, my husband, the support has been incredible and it is because of them that I know I can beat this.

Man I'm scared, really scared but oddly totally chilled too, like my body doesn't quite belong to me. They've upped my steroids in preparation for the operation so I'm guessing that's got something to do with it. Nil by mouth as of 6 o'clock tomorrow morning, which will be painful on the increased steroids but I've just got to get through it, I've got no choice.

Please pray for me and my family, keep us in your thoughts. Your positive words give me strength.

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

...Helen Steiner Rice

Tuesday 15 December 2015

Apologies for the prophanity

Not for one second did I think it was a brain tumour, all those doctors shining their lights in my eyes all said the same thing, that it probably wasn't anything serious because they couldn't see anything at the back of my eyes to indicate otherwise. It wasn't until the blonde lady doctor called me forward with my results that it occurred to me, when she asked if I wanted to call my husband eh? why? I thought and in an instant it was written all over her face...she played a part in sending me home 2 weeks earlier without scanning my head. Poignant to the story for me because I spent the next 2 weeks in shear agony, scared shitless and not knowing why. I asked them if it would have made a difference but they told me no and I need to make my peace with this because we cannot change the past so this is me, officially, letting it go.

so my entire world has been turned upside down but somehow I have to carry on because I have my little boy to think of, my gorgeous, amazing, special little boy, who celebrates his second birthday today.

Tomorrow is Results day: Brain Tumour Results: Wednesday 16th December 2015. Singing for survival, Mrs Jennifer Fabbri, I'm half tempted to burst into Gloria Gaynors I will survive to lighten the mood but I know my mum won't thank me! heehee!

I'm scared but I'm ready to know now, just tell me what I've got to do to beat this bastard and I'll do it, I'm ready for a fight, because, quite frankly brain tumour, you can just fuck the hell off if you think you are taking me away from my boys.

Honestly cancer, you are a cunt. You took my dad, my Grandad, my auntie, my brother in laws sister, you tried to take my sister but you didn't succeed, you won't succeed with me either, you are wasting your time so you might as well just fuck off now.